Running Around and Around...

this is it.

i didn't give a crap first semester of first year.
i gave a crap 2nd semester of first year.
i made myself busy and struggled to maintain a 3.0, and actually went up, first semester of second year.
i submitted the transfer application.
my interview is tomorrow morning.

i told my good friend earlier that i got an interview tomorrow morning. I also told her the question I had the most difficulty answering was "Why do you want to transfer into the program?". She knows my background story on how things came to be. She said that it was really unfair because she can see how passionate I can be for game design and with that, I can actually become successful. "It seems like it's destiny to driving you away from the thing you're suppose to do" she says. There's always something leading me back to video games, such as the past convention, and every speech I presented in speech class was about video games.
But really.. Let's see how the interview goes. Unfortunately/Fortunately, I have a slight advantage with this (now) group interview. I was an interviewer and interviewee in group interviews at my summer job. I know what they're looking for.

my assignment was to not be able to communicate for 24 hours. I'd like to share it with those who would like to read it.


Being unable to communicate for a long period of time is difficult for most people. Every day, communication is needed to express how we are feeling towards something that requires our response. School would be one of the most difficult environments to do this experiment in, only because talking; especially socializing with others is part of my school life. Even though it is a lot easier to do this experiment during the weekend, I decided to make it more challenging by going on a school day and also the day of the week where I see most of my friends.

My school day only consists of three big lectures so therefore, sitting with friends whom I usually sit with guarantees socialization. As advised, I told most of my friends and family the day before I conducted the experiment. However, there was a handful who did not know and, coincidentally, I encountered those who did not get the memo. My strategy to avoid most of the encounters is to pretend to listen to music unless someone use other means to gain my attention. Overall, I lasted for a very long time but I accidentally did not completely followed directions on the paper, for example, reading received texts. I also somehow cheated by giving very “cryptic” messages to people hoping they will understand it, although it tends to be ambiguous. I will mention the situations where I usually have to communicate and talk about their reactions.
My day started exactly at midnight and I completely cut off all ways of communication such as instant messaging and Facebook. Before I went to school, my parents temporarily forgot that I could not talk. However, they believe using signals without talking is allowed. This is my fault for not fully explaining the experiment to them. So when my mom asked me a yes/no question about lunch, I showed no reaction to her question. As a result, my mom became a little frustrated and shoved my lunch into my hands. This made me think that if I was actually incapable of communicate and not show any response to anything, she would have become frustrated in the long run when trying to take care of me. I am not entirely sure. It made me uncomfortable for short time.

Minor things happened here and there, such as a student asked me if the seat next to me was taken. Again, there was no response from me so she took the seat anyways. That was easy until a friend came over and started to caress my hair and my awfully soft jacket. This wasn’t necessarily “abnormal” to me since we’re very good friends. Instead this is abnormal to her only because I did not show any response. The reaction she was expecting me to strongly retaliate, which I usually do. Instead, I showed a completely emotionless face. Since this was very brief, the lack of reaction did not occur to her until after the lecture when she does the same thing again. To be on the safe side, I sat next to a classmate who is also in the same class so she is able to tell the people who attempt to talk me about the experiment. Later in the day, after another lecture, she saw me again and led me to a faculty tutoring session. When she realized that it has been cancelled, she led me back to the student lounge. I asked for her comments about this experiment the next day. She told me it was very easy to take advantage of me, as evidenced by dragging me to the tutoring session with her, and also it was very awkward to see me not reacting to anything since I usually do.
As previously mentioned, I put on headphones to make it obvious that I would not be able to hear people. This day was an exam day so after the exam, a classmate ran up to me to ask which exam form I had. I ignored her as usual but, unexpectedly, she took out one of my headphones and continued to ask. Again, I showed no emotion and did not look at her. After she realized she wouldn’t get a response from me, she left saying “Fine!” in an annoyed voice. I did not care as much since I know I am able to tell her the next day without problems. Her removing my headphones was somewhat expected because it is something she would comfortably do without me becoming mad at her. So therefore, I wasn’t surprised at all. When I told her that it was for an assignment, she just simply accepted it.

The past two scenarios weren’t bad when I realized I forgot to inform the one friend who always talks to me during a lecture. My friend started the conversation by telling me how bad her day went and what was stressing her out at the moment. She became a little concerned with me when I showed no sympathy and assumed that my day is worse than hers. Unfortunately for this oblivious good friend of mine, she gave me good news to hear instead. After showing no reaction again, she became even more concerned and asked if I currently hate someone at the moment. She asks if it’s the person next to me since there was, unintentionally, an empty seat between my friend and me. This is when I desperately looked around the room to see if I can catch any of my friends’ attention; the ones that are aware of the experiment. I wasn’t able to catch anyone’s attention and as a result, my friend asked if I disliked the ones I was looking at. Later, my friend wrote a note to me and expected me to respond by writing back. I never wrote anything back for some time and she decided to write more on the note and told me to smile. From what I understand, it seems like I’ve been showing a sad face the whole day. At the end of class, I left without a word but then I received a text from her saying that she is on to me and my assignments. The friend that told her told me she got a little upset that I did not inform her. I apologized too and she told me there’s something called “texting”, since I actually informed people verbally within one room.

This would be the most interesting part of the day, only because I accidentally read my received texts. I usually call my parents to give me a ride home so what happens in this case? My friend also taking this class thought it was smart to text me and talk to me in “If” statements. One example was, “If you want a ride home, come meet me at the school dental clinic”. So I did meet up there only to wait for him to finish his appointment. Unfortunately I did not have a choice when he asked if I wanted to go to Chinatown to buy a drink or go home, so he drove to Chinatown on his own accord. On the way there, we got into a small accident where a car suddenly switched into our lane and then make a u-turn which made our car to slightly their car when trying to brake. Like any normal person in the passenger seat, I would have yelled or at least say something. But no, I did not say anything. I thought this was really funny that I decided not to forget the experiment and stayed with it. Honestly, I was actually shocked and wanted to say something really bad but luckily, it wasn’t a really bad accident. Then afterwards, on his own accord again, he ordered drinks of his choice since he knew I couldn’t tell him what I wanted after all. After the experiment, I complimented on his actions and I thought it was really smart to talk in “If” statements. However, this was only because I read the texts I received from him. Otherwise, none of this would happen.

I thought this experiment was easy although I was disappointed that I realized I was not supposed to read received texts. I would have still survived without texts anyways only because I do not rely on texts like most people. There were times where I was uncomfortable, such as my mom’s way of trying to grab my attention and also that one friend who knew nothing about the experiment and expected an answer. Otherwise, I am confident that I can go throughout the day without communication only if I don’t have friends to socialize during the free time I could and should have used on studying. The reason for confidence is because my sister actually blocked texting on my cell phone. She told me if people really needed me they can just simply call. Texting always tend to lead long conversations and also, for money reasons. However, I had my way around the “banned” texting and I understood why, so I only think of texting as a way to contact me and not just for idle chit-chat, especially in a school where I cannot get any signal on my cell phone. Instead, I used the school’s wi-fi to receive text messages. Also whenever I have time or feel a certain mood, I usually sit and reflect on things and write it on my blog. So regardless, I actually spend quiet time for myself. After doing this experiment, I learned that I really want to limit my “socializing” time and put it into studying or doing something more productive instead. Communication should be used when necessary and I believe most of us take this for granted.

I think I wouldn't have worked so hard if I wasn't in this position right now.

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This enters my dark days.

#326.

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Today I ate an orange. It made me happy. That is all. :D

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 i'm typing here more and more often now...that means i'm starting to face more problems

i really see him as a close friend; he sees me as a sister from another mother. if we were to be really related, he is an older brother he complains about the simplest things. 

1. you're depressed because of people look at you based on your past
2. not famous or not being known for your rap work 
3. living at retirement with grandma as if it's hell
4?. you're not cute/good enough?

seriously. not everyone likes everyone. deal with it. just cuz you did something stupid in the past doesn't mean you have to do something stupid now. you can change their impression of you, although it takes time. it effin takes time

you're not the only person out there rapping, making music etc. it takes skill, dedication and most importantly connections. people practice for years and also took them years to get noticed and make it big. you're only 19. shut up. 

let's think from a spiritual point of view. only a certain chosen become famous in whatever they do, it doesn't have to be in entertainment. again, you're only 19. these people are... how old? exactly. it takes time. shut up, once again. 

as your temp music producer, i'm not here to combat what you wanna show in your music because i am telling you from an audience's point of view, that's if you want to be famous. the audience likes to explore lyrics, oh rap = metaphorical cool, don't make it so obvious. don't make it to the point where it can bring up many conclusions if you have one set things you want to show. so show it right. if your song is named cloud strife [i don't know why you're naming the song with an obvious title], and the song has nothing to do with cloud strife [everyone knows the dude from FF7], sir, you just lost yourself an audience. doesn't have to be the gamer audience...it's AN audience. 

grandma yells at you. thinks from a different pov. hellloooo different generation, obviously. don't call it a living hell. at least you got a home. at least you got parents. at least you got someone taking care of you. they yell cuz they care. if they yell at you to not go to chicago and study there so instead, you study here means that you care that they care. if you were to actually "follow your dreams" you wouldn't be here right in boston now. that's also why you see me in boston now also. 

4... quite irrelevant it was later building up to this point. every girl has it's preferences. they prefer personalities, looks, something specific, whatever. for example, you come up to girl and they don't like you. obviously you're not their type. deal with it. you may say tons of guys like me, etc but that doesn't mean i'm their type because that's only based off looks, and if they know me, personality. that doesn't mean i'm going to date them. ok cool attention but i don't let that get into my head. why are you getting this into your head when you think no girl likes you? not too long ago, a friend actually said that she had a crush on you. although it was a long time ago, it was something. happy now? according to you, no it did not boost your self esteem. 

this is what you told me; this is what i will say. how come i tell you stuff, you forget it anyways? besides "Getting it off my chest", what if i want someone to remember it for me? i remember your stuff and you don't remember mine. selfish bastard. oh wait i don't care because i usually help others and get nothing in return. and what do i do? maybe complain just because people take advantage of it. i'm growing to hate being everyone's guardian angel.

why does it look like i know what to say? I've been through the phase of this kind of depression, not being famous in terms of entertainment, not doing what i wanna do, why don't bunch of guys like me, why do certain people dislike me. who i do i tell this to? my blog here because i know no one  will listen to me and comfort because there's nothing to comfort about. who wants to help me on my problems? a lot but what can do they do? absolutely nothing because the usually answer are in words and not actions, no anyone can do anything about it so why complain to someone? that's how i'm still living like nothing's bad happening to me. 

in conclusion of telling me all of this you asked me what would i do if you committed suicide. dude. there's nothing to die over. if you're religious like you claimed to be then you know suicide isn't right either. seen the news lately? people being bullied just because they're gay and can't take it anymore to the point where they end your life. they feel like they're humiliated and embarrassed. what about you? obviously from what i'm seeing you're just complaining over the stupidest stuff ever because nothing is going your way. you're effin 19 and got a long way to go. it does not mean you don't have it now does not mean you won't have it later. 

I bought Miles Edgeworth Ace Attorney : Investigations. No longer a Phoenix Wright game here. This is Phoenix's rival instead. It's interesting so far.. alittle more challenging, which is good. But they reused some of the music and it doesn't sound remastered as the one from Apollo Justice Ace Attorney.

Ahhhh Patrick Chan! He's cute haha! J.R Celski is also cute too but I'm going to stick with Patrick hehe. I suppose my girlyness is coming out. Very very slowly however. I still keep my "tomboyish" attitude and such. Otherwise, I'm kinda showing weakness.

A quick thought to the future. What am I going to do after our last performance in high school? We will continue with Anime Boston and hopefully Red Cross AGAIN. Ugh. Really? I need a reason why we didn't make it in. I thought about running around campus doing parkour as a team. Kinda ninja-ish with jumping over buildings, fences, and walls. Maybe eventually some flipping. Something to keep us active and happy. That's only if I don't plan to get out of this country alive, that is. I'm hesitating alot. Many chances my parents get out of the how and those chances are never taken advantage of. Because I'm scared, simply put.

This annoyed me but not anymore. My guyfriend didn't even text me a happy valentines day or whatever. I didn't either. Why does it always have to be me doing it? It's always me. It's always annoying. My temporary valentine.. I just hope I'm not giving any speck of hope. Especially when I am his first valentine, for once. I guess I can say the same since I never really had a valentine or nor do I care about it. It's "haha lovers' day so what? I'm not part of it."

I haven't been eating as much lately since, I don't know. I feel like I'm not looking forward to anything anymore. It's just live life and do whatever that needs to be done. I'm out of it as well. Physically I'm fine but emotionally, not so great. Lots of things put together that just overwhelms me.

School is coming back soon and I heard there will be a snowstorm around Monday or Tuesday. The storm s going to curve again... just watch.

Slumps keep coming back... It's not even school related either. Almost family and myself. At times I feel the need to injure myself or give my face a scar or some imperfection mark of some kind. Something that yells "Don't speak to me. I'm not worth talking to."

Yesterday, was a step into reality and immorality. Something I wish I don't want to experience the conversation and talking about it makes me squeamish and would make me stay away from people, especially guys. Ironically, most of my friends are guys. Almost a similar moment but the same feeling happened 8 years ago. It is one of those awkward and most uncomfortable moments I can't forget and it's disturbing just thinking about it. It was just too risky to sit next to a guy who has a chance of doing something to me. Luckily, morals still stands and protected me.

Just today, we got rejected from the Red Cross Talent Competition and, due to my negligence, we're put on the waiting list for Anime Boston. A chance that says we will perform and we will not. Getting too ambitious was probably cause.

My guyfriend had to nerve to ask why am I trying so hard for Anime Boston. Of course I was mad, not mad enough to halt the practice just for a yelling. Now that I look at it. No one's actually trying... Even asking for their help when I can't do everything all at once, and they still can't help. At the end I ahve to do it myself. My friend would help but lacking a laptop and internet handicaps him and eventually me.

All I have really left is Asian Night. Anime Boston continues on the side however. This year will mark our last performance for Asian Night and I don't want to screw it up for us.

I had no one. No protection because I seem to be the one that can fend for oneself. That's only half true. I can't fend for myself all the time. I know I can't. At those times, no one was there. Not my best friend nor my guyfriend. I had one person, someone I could talk to online. It's a double edge sword talking to him. Because I have a boyfriend, somewhat, and he is one of the guys who likes me. It would be wrong just defecting to him. And another, the one without internet, can only comfort through phone calls and texts. Unfortunately I'm not a phone person and I don't want to bother him since he can also easily get stressed out, according to last year.

Now all I can ask for is a hug and sleep on their shoulder and forget everything.. Like how a mom carries a baby while the baby is sleeping.

Today's the deadline for that music scholarship and I finished it yesterday along with my album art (pretty emo looking by the way) and description of the process. There's a music composition contest from NEU which won't be due until March 12th. I'm going to have to make another one when the date is near. More "creative" this time since the previous winner won with bunch of random sounds put together...

I have a temporary valentine for the time being. Just to make the guy happy and make myself less lonely. My friend had a successful break-up and I didn't. Maybe I'm just doing it for him... I don't know. It would be nice to receive a text message once in a while but he never does. I do all the texting.

Today I read the Japanese Folktale, Peach boy or Momotaro. The original differs greatly from the current version. It was funny because the current version is more appealing to the general audience. For example, the original states that the an old lady found the floating peach in the river. She ate some of it and became young. The old man came home to see the young wife and also ate the peach and became young as well. Then, it satates, they :made love" and Taro was born. The current version states that the old lady tried to cut the peach and a baby came out. That was simple. Also the old couple never became young. And of course, there's variations of the folktale in other ares of the country. He was found in a box or a white peach. The same outcome was Taro fighting the demons and lived happily ever after once they were defeated.

I hate taking pictures... Only because my mom criticizes them. I constantly say "I don't care. I don't care" to the point where I do care because she continues on.

This marks the final day of school before vacation. Doesn't really matter to me since I still have work to do anyways.

Presentation for next next Thursday, practice for Anime Boston, signing us up for Anime Boston, Helping a friend, Lunar New Year... And Winter Olympic games.

I just watched Cloudy with a Chance of Metaballs. Dude I can relate to these "nerds" a lot, even though I'm barely considered a nerd myself. The Tech Center makes me a nerd... Even naming our project weird.

Was just watching the ceremony.. and preparing myself for the ones live on the net.

Today is my sister's birthday by the way. Yep. 30. The ultimate transition.

Two friends in Japanese Class mentioned about me looking like Yoona and one of them is a big fan of her. I feel pretty honored, for once.

Leona Lewis for Final Fantasy 13 OST. Whaaaaat? Wow. I'm surprised. And random.

I  received a chocolate rose from my sister. It said "Happy Valentine's Day <3". I picked the red one. I was going to give it to someone.. but he didn't appear. He had to work for his uncle. I wonder if this means anything. A sign or something. In the end, it's still in my bag.